Note: I have written a great deal about my mom and posted some of her essays on this blog. She was an avid reader, supporter and contributor to this effort. After putting up a long fight for life, she passed away on Tuesday, February 27, 2024 in Freehold, New Jersey. Though we are broken hearted, we are relieved that she is no longer suffering. Here is the eulogy that I offered at her funeral service.
First, I must say thank you, Mom. I was not the easiest child to parent, more specifically to mother. I was sensitive, self-conscious and insecure. I was not blessed with the innate optimism that Mom had. Mom had her work cut out for her – something I did not fully appreciate until I became a mother myself. I would like to share two stories of her successes.
I had a truly terrible teacher in 6th grade – and in those days in NYC you had one teacher for virtually all the subjects. It made for a long, unhappy day. My best friend and I decided we had had enough and planned to play hooky. And, we did. Her apartment was empty during the day and we had a fine time. Some kids might look for trouble – we baked cupcakes, had a food fight and watched TV. Her older sister came home early and found us. I was afraid my parents would find out so I fessed up to Mom when she got home from work. She didn’t get angry, she didn’t punish me. She told me if I ever got so distressed to the point that I needed a break, to tell her and she would let me stay home. I never did take her up on that – the idea that I could was enough of a comfort. I knew she trusted and supported me.
The other story was again in the midst of a trying time in August of 1975. I had cut short working at a summer camp because I was not comfortable with the drug use and partying that surrounded me there. My parents welcomed me home. Aside from that, my grandmother, my father’s mom, was seriously ill in the hospital. One night I couldn’t sleep, my heart racing, I woke Mom. She comforted me as best she could – reminding me of the positive things in our lives and she suggested that we plan a sweet sixteen for me. Mom always believed in making the best of bad times. I was nervous at the prospect of a party– would friends come? She planned one of the all-time great parties. It was a mystery bus ride – my friends tried to guess where we were going. We went to see The Fantasticks off Broadway in Greenwich Village, we had fried chicken dinners on the bus, and returned home to make our own sundaes. I had a sign in book where my friends and family wrote kind and loving messages – I still have that book – I still read that book. It was a revelation to me – a little like Sally Field when she cried, “you like me, you really like me!” when she won the Oscar. Mom, you did good.
Mom wasn’t perfect and she knew that – she could be very hard on herself. I think I knew her in a slightly different way than my brothers – maybe being her daughter she more readily shared other parts of herself, the less optimistic side. But one of her great messages was that we should always be learning and striving to be better. That we could improve ourselves. She believed that until her dying day. That may have been the greatest gift she gave me – the belief that we can grow and evolve if we are open to it, if we work at it.
I am so grateful to Mom. Many of you know I write a blog and I share stories on it that are sometimes painful and, in some cases, may have been difficult for Mom to read. But she only encouraged me. She read what I wrote. She loved it. She appreciated my honesty. Another gift.
So, Mom, you were a wonderful human being and you raised three good human beings – is there a better legacy? I think not. We will continue to pay it forward. We love you and will miss you terribly, but you have earned your rest. I hope your spirit is reunited with all those you loved so much. Rest in peace and love, Mom.
Stories I Tell Myself 
Your eulogy was beautiful as is this photo of your mom. She has a beautiful smile. I am grateful to your mother for passing on to you her passionate interests in art, film books, and music, as well as enjoying deep and stimulating discussions. I cherish all the conversations we have had over the years. Although you describe yourself as a hard child to raise you have been a most wonderful daughter to your mom and a terrific mother to your children. ❤️
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Thank you, Merle, for everything. For being a friend, for hearing me out, for being at the funeral. I treasure our friendship.
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Here is the eulogy that I gave at her funeral.
My mother had many diverse interests. I’m going to focus on one of those interests.
My mother had a love for the Arts. All of them, movies, theatre, ballet, museums, etc. She instilled that love toward her children, and yes my father as well. My first theatre experience that my mom brought me to was the Sound of Music sometime in the early 1960’s. I think it was before we moved into our house in Canarsie which was 1964. So I was probably seven or eight at the time.
My mother would take me and my siblings to various museums even if we weren’t thrilled about going. She would say to us give it a try. It was her way of introducing us to various forms of Art.
My mother was an avid reader and she instilled that love of reading to her children and grandchildren. How many parents read Charles Dickens novels to their children? Mine did. Since so many of us in the family enjoy reading we started a Family Book Club, 10 years ago. Each club member would select a book that we would discuss the following month. To give you an idea how eclectic mom was here are three of the books she had us read. “Life” by Keith Richards – of the Rolling Stones, “Pride a Prejudice” by Jane Austin – now think about this. My mom in her 80’s selects a book about Keith Richards & the Rolling Stones. Compare this to a Jane Austin book written in 1807, over three hundred years ago. The third book I want to mention that mom had us read was “As I lay Dying” written in 1930 by William Faulkner. Note this, she is reading this book while in the hospital recovering from her first lung cancer operation. I don’t think she cared about the irony of the title to her situation but rather for us book club members to understand the messaging of the author.
As a side note, our 90th book discussion is scheduled for this Saturday.
We also started a Movie Club during this time period. For the sake of time I won’t go into describing that monthly event.
On a final note: My mom often would debate with me that we should separate a person’s art from the artist’s personal life. We had these discussions well before COVID, dementia and illness took it’s toll on her. I wonder how furious she would be if she could comment on today’s cancel culture?
Mom, thank you for the love you gave me and the love you gave me for the Arts.
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Thank you for sharing your eulogy. It was fitting and beautiful.
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beautiful remberence of your mom i am so glad i got to read them everyome at banuan loved her i have missed her since she moved away it was a pleasure to have been her friend and her movie buddie eleanor
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Beautiful tributes to your mom and to the wonderful qualities she embodied. It sounds like, in addition to raising three great human beings, she taught you the lessons of optimism, life long learning, love of beauty and of the arts. How fortunate you are to have grown up with those lessons.
The words spoken at her funeral were uplifting and informative and filled with humor and good will.
Thank you.
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Thank you.
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