Stories I Tell Myself

Linda Brody Bakst on Brooklyn, growing up, identity and more

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Author | Brooklyn-born Jewish American on a search for identity & deeper meaning. Debut book “More than Matzoh Balls” out 2/15.

  • Breathe

    Life can be crazy. So many ups and downs. Times when you are too busy; times when you aren’t busy enough. Celebrations followed by funerals. Health scares. Plans ruined by weather. A fabulous vacation. Profound disappointment when an effort (a job, a project, a relationship) fails. All of these things can happen in the course of a year or even a month. It can be unmanageable.

    Often the roller coaster that is life feels out of control. We don’t control the weather, disease, the behavior of others. We are left to cope – how we respond is the choice we make. That is the challenge. Sometimes I am not prepared to rise to it, but I have no alternative. I soldier on.

    A few months ago, I started planning a weekend away with our family. My husband’s 65th birthday was coming up in April and he was also beginning semiretirement after more than 30 years as a very fulltime endocrinologist/internist. I thought those milestones merited a celebration. I invited our children to a lovely lodge in the Catskills and arranged a dinner that included our siblings. It promised to be a fun time.

    Our kids and grandkids were due to join us late Friday afternoon at the lodge. Friday morning I got a call from our daughter, Leah, that our granddaughter, Lenny, was running a fever and they needed to adjust their plans. We hoped that she’d rally and maybe they could come for the dinner Saturday night.

    The rest of us went ahead with the plan. We left Albany under cloudy skies. The weather wasn’t promising for the weekend. The route took us past Kaaterskill Creek on a scenic winding road. Unfortunately, the weather gods decided that was the moment for the skies to open up. Rain poured down in sheets. The creek looked like a raging river. It was beautiful but also a little scary as we wondered whether the road would wash out. We were glad to be traveling during the daylight and hoped that things would improve before our other guests were making the trip.

    A small sample of the raging waterfall

    We arrived at Scribner’s Catskill Lodge, across from Hunter Mountain, and were not disappointed with our accommodations. Even with the leaden skies and intermittent rain, the scenery was beautiful.

    We explored the premises and looked for a place for dinner. We texted with Leah every so often, getting updates on our granddaughter’s condition.

    As the afternoon progressed, Lenny’s fever rose. Now we weren’t so much thinking about whether they would be able to come, now we were worried about what was wrong. We know little ones can run hot, but it is scary when their temperature goes above 103 and continues to climb – especially without an evident source of infection.

    It was strange to be in this lovely setting, ostensibly celebrating, but having a part of my heart and mind elsewhere. Of course this wasn’t the first time I’ve been in that situation. Just a couple of months ago, we were in Florida for Mets’ spring training when Mom’s condition took a turn for the worse.

    My rational mind knew our granddaughter was not in grave danger. She was taken to urgent care, and they diagnosed a virus. All her vital signs were good, and she was breathing well. I knew that Leah and Ben were taking excellent care of her – keeping her hydrated and nourished as best they could and watching to ensure that nothing else emerged. Knowing all of that didn’t mean my imagination couldn’t get the better of me. My stomach churned.

    We did manage to enjoy our company and the delicious dinner. We had a wonderful time with our son, daughter-in-law and other granddaughter. She was a delight – full of energy and enthusiasm, a tonic for my worries. But when I returned to the quiet of our hotel room, the worries returned in full force.

    We said our good-byes on Sunday and headed home, still waiting for Lenny’s fever to break and debating whether I should head to Somerville to lend a hand. Since I retired my time is generally my own and I don’t have that many commitments. The week ahead was unusual in that I had several things scheduled. I kept expecting Leah to call or text with news that Lenny was on the mend, but that wasn’t happening. In fact, Sunday night they went to the emergency room when her fever went up to 104.3. Once again, they could find no source, recalibrated her dose of ibuprofen and Tylenol and sent her home. My stomach kept churning.

    Last year I did a 30-day meditation course using an app on my phone. One of the main useful ideas I took from that exercise was to recognize that my thoughts were not ‘real,’ in other words thinking something didn’t make it so. Worrying about the future or what might happen was counterproductive. Not that you can stop yourself exactly, but you could recognize it and bring yourself back to the present and breathe. I was trying to remind myself of this practice when I was fretting about Lenny, but it wasn’t working very well. There was still a pit in my stomach, and it was hard to concentrate on anything else.

    I didn’t want to cancel my plans. In one case I had already postponed because of bad weather, and the other was an unusual opportunity to hear someone interesting speak. But, if things didn’t improve, I thought Leah and Ben needed reinforcements. It is exhausting caring for a sick baby – sleep is interrupted, and the little one needs constant comforting. I knew they could use another set of hands, if only to take care of things around the house. They were on their fourth day of spiking fevers. I knew what my priorities were. If things didn’t get better by the next day, I would call my friends to cancel and head to Somerville.

    The next morning Lenny woke up with a temp of 101.7, which was actually lower but hardly normal. She was still out of sorts. They would take her back to the doctor. I decided I needed to be there to help. My friends were very understanding (shout out to Alison and Colleen!), not surprisingly. That’s why they are my friends – they share the same priorities. They know family comes first.

    I drove to Somerville and arrived to see Lenny sitting on the couch next to Leah not looking like her usual lively, happy self, but not terrible. Turned out that she had developed double ear infections. The doctor hypothesized that the virus was running its course and winding down when, possibly as a result of being in a weakened state, her ears became infected causing the fever to spike again. An anitbiotic was prescribed. Lenny already had one dose and Leah and Ben noted some improvement.

    I was grateful that we had a treatment and an explanation for why the fever had come back so vigorously. I was also glad to be there – Leah and Ben both looked exhausted. Ben’s mom had been there that morning, bringing food, and allowing them to attend to work responsibilities. I would pick up the slack.

    I spent the next couple of days lending a hand where I could, watching Lenny for a few hours so they could do their work. I returned home when she was ready to go back to daycare.

    I am left with some thoughts. While I respect those who are able to be ‘zen’ in difficult situations, I am not one of them.  I’m fine with garden variety disappointments or annoyances. I don’t know if I can overcome my nature when it comes to the health of my children and grandchildren. I cope, I function – I don’t curl up in a fetal position, but I haven’t figured out how to calm my innards.

    I hold on tight to those I love, and it seems this is the price I pay. I don’t know if I can loosen my grip. I think some are able to give the worry up to God, or a higher power. That doesn’t work for me. Others, like my mom, just didn’t worry that much – that wasn’t where her mind went, especially about her own health. I’m better about my own health scares; children and grandchildren are a whole other ballgame.

    I was thinking about how things must’ve been in the past when infant mortality rates were higher and life, in general, was harder. I don’t think in those days people expected happiness or ease. Just surviving required effort. The very rich always had more options but for most people leisure time was a luxury. Today we have so many conveniences and improvements in health care. Our expectations are so much higher for the quality of our lives. But I wonder if we have become unreasonable, thinking we will be happy, engaged in work we are passionate about, healthy, etc. Life is still unpredictable. It is still challenging. There is heartbreak. Knowing that hasn’t made it easier for me to roll with the punches.

    Meanwhile I will remind myself to breathe.

    The sun did come out for a bit on Sunday morning. I stood here, enjoying the view, and breathing

  • Silverware and Memories

    I don’t know why but I think of Mom’s silverware as I stare out the window over my sink. My stomach clenches. I feel an ache; a sense of loss.

    A week or so ago Mark and I brought some things, jewelry and said silverware (which upon closer inspection was silver-plated) to a place where they bought and sold gold and silver. No one in the family wanted these items – we had offered it far and wide with no takers. So, we decided we would see what we could get for them. All told the silverware came to $6.51. The woman who took it explained that they would melt it down and extract what was valuable, which wasn’t much, or we could take it back and try to sell it ourselves.

    We could have cleaned it up, it was badly tarnished, and sold it on eBay or in a garage sale and perhaps gotten more, but that was more effort and time than either of us were willing to give. We decided to take the money. I think it was the right decision.

    I realize I am not actually sad about the silverware; I understand why we did what we did and that if I kept it, I would not be happier. It is the loss of my mother, who valued that set, who took it as she moved from place to place, that I grieve. My mother liked pretty things. She set a lovely table. She used her ‘fine’ china – I’m not sure how fine it was – and silver when she entertained. When she served tea, she chose from one of many beautiful pots and cups she collected over the years. It gave her pleasure. I don’t tend to do that. I try to present food nicely when we have guests, but I don’t put the same effort into it, and I don’t enjoy it the way Mom did.

    The silverware represents something else aside from Mom’s aesthetic sense. It was a reminder of family gatherings from long ago. Mom would have me set the Thanksgiving table – the table for the adults, we always had a kids table, too – with that silverware. I also helped when she and Dad hosted dinner parties, which they did often. They had a book club with friends that usually included Mom making dinner. I was her sous chef and assistant, vacuuming and raking our red shag living room carpet, straightening up and setting the table. My bedroom was just off the dining room. I would fall asleep still hearing their voices and laughter.

    Despite the warm memories, I would not want to return to childhood. I was lonely and terribly sensitive. The societal upheaval of the late ‘60s and ‘70s weighed on me. I would not want to relive growing up with all of the insecurity it entailed, but I can get sentimental about certain things from that place and time. I thought my family was perfect. Though I didn’t appreciate that my brother Mark teased me mercilessly and my brother Steven had a scary temper, as did my dad, but it all felt comfortable and right. I knew they loved me and would protect me. I thought our extended family, my aunts and uncles and my mother’s aunts, uncles and cousins, were the best. They were part of my everyday life – coming in and out of my grandmother’s upstairs apartment regularly. I didn’t know there were tensions and complications in those relationships – not then, that awareness didn’t come until I was fully an adult. As a child my family life felt like a cocoon that shielded me from the pain of the outside world.

    It has been many years since I emerged from that cocoon. The first peeling back of my comfortable nest was when Nana died, and I was 11. In some ways Mom carried on Nana’s traditions, but things changed. I left home at 16 to go to college and though I came back for some summers and a year of graduate school, I never lived with my parents again.  

    Mom died one month ago. Her death is perhaps the final goodbye to that world.  Mom and my relationship evolved and in her final years. I was more her caretaker than she was mine, but she was still present. She was still Mom. I still wanted her blessing.

    I am now part the oldest generation of the family. I am one of the elders. How strange! It’s also unnerving. I know I have matured, but I am still the same person inside. My spirit doesn’t feel old. Sometimes my body argues otherwise, but mostly it functions as it did, and I am grateful for that. But I can’t deny reality. I have one remaining uncle who I am so thankful to have, but that is all that is left of the older generation.

    I suppose it is inevitable that seeing certain things, a favorite mug of Mom’s, a lovely piece of pottery that now resides in my cabinet, will remind me of her. Or a memory might be jogged when I set my table with my silverware for the seder, and I will grieve the loss again. Not just of my mother, but Dad, Nana and my aunts and uncles. Though the pang I feel in my heart is painful, it is a good thing, too. It tells me I have had rich relationships and there has been a lot of love given and received.

  • Old School

    We were on our annual pilgrimage to the Mets’ Spring Training in Port St. Lucie, Florida. Gary is a lifelong Met fan and we have been fortunate over the last five years, Covid notwithstanding, to join friends and watch some preseason games while getting a break from the harsh Albany winter.

    We began our trip with a 6 a.m. flight. When I book a 6 a.m. flight I have good reasons for doing so. I think it is far less likely to be delayed and we will get to our destination early, leaving us a good part of the day to get settled and enjoy ourselves. The reality of the 6 a.m. flight though is painful, and I wonder if it is worth it. We are lucky that Albany Airport is small and only 15 minutes from our house. But even with that, we had to be up and at ‘em by 4 a.m. A lot of sleep is sacrificed.

    As we approached the airport there was a sign saying that the only parking available was in the economy lot. I was grateful for the warning – saved us driving around in a fruitless effort to find a spot in the lots that are closer. They even had a guy at the gate telling us to go to row V – that’s where there were openings. Again, I was impressed. This was well organized. Not only that, but the shuttle bus was waiting for us at the end of the row so once we parked, we hopped on and got to the terminal very efficiently. Score three for Albany Airport.

    Travel these days can be quite stressful. I don’t know if it is that everything is understaffed, but it isn’t uncommon to stand in long lines for everything from checking bags to security to getting coffee. Years ago, we signed up for TSApre. In some airports it doesn’t offer much of an advantage, but it sure does in Albany. Though it was still only about 4:45 am, the line wrapped around itself many times. The TSApre line was short. As we passed hundreds of people, Gary whispered to me, “It’s great that no one signs up for this. I hope it stays that way!” I probably shouldn’t write this as it might jeopardize the advantage we enjoy.

    Everything was going entirely too smoothly. Gary found the place with the shortest line to get us coffee. On the other hand, it was Burger King so it wasn’t great, but it still had caffeine. We boarded the plane without incident. The flight was smooth. We both watched “The Holdovers,” a very enjoyable movie that had humor and emotion.

    I knew something had to go wrong. I’ve never traveled to Florida without enduring trials and tribulations. I’ve lost my phone, gotten my laptop crushed, suffered food poisoning, had my usual floaters (a routine condition in my vision) escalate to the point that we had to go to the emergency room – all on prior visits The list can go on. What would it be this time?

    When we landed, as is our custom, I went to text our kids that we had arrived safely. My phone, though, would not connect to a network. Instead of bars, it displayed SOS. That was an inauspicious sign. I had never seen that before. Gary’s phone had the same problem. I figured once we got into the terminal it would connect. Nope. Still no service.

    We retrieve our luggage, which took a while. Every so often I rebooted my phone to see if we had service. Still no. Gary connected his phone to the wifi network in the airport and learned that AT&T, our provider, was experiencing nationwide problems and in some areas service was down.

    We got to the rental car agency. Still no service. We needed to provide proof of car insurance in order to decline their exorbitant extra fees; I had never been asked that before. We had no phone to contact our agent. The clerk behind the counter, a nice guy, gave us the office landline to use. After being on hold a fair amount of time, we got through that and produced the needed proof.

    We still didn’t have phone service and now it was time to head to our hotel. It had been a long time since we drove anywhere without a GPS app. I asked the clerk for a map. He said they didn’t have them anymore. Not surprising.

    Okay, we knew the general direction we needed to travel – north. We would have to figure things out old school.

    We pulled out of the lot and saw a highway and headed toward it. It was the wrong highway, but it helped orient us. We turned right and headed north. We came to a red light. We needed to find our way to I-95. I rolled down my window and yelled out to a guy who was putting something in the back of his pick-up truck. “Excuse me, sir!” I got his attention. “Which way to I-95?” He pointed – we needed to make a left at the light. “Thank you!” He was a young guy, that may have been the first time he had ever been asked directions. Happily he didn’t lead us astray.

    I knew our hotel wasn’t far off of the interstate. We drove north and fortunately spotted it. We figured out how to get to it from the exit – we still had common sense.

    Though it felt strange not to have access to GPS, or the other smartphone apps, for those hours, we were proud of ourselves! We managed to get where we had to go. We were relieved that service was restored shortly after we arrived at the hotel. The idea of managing without it for more than a few hours was daunting. It was a reminder that, if pressed, we could still function without it, but wouldn’t want to have to.

    Note: I wrote this piece mostly in Florida. I wanted it to be light-hearted. I didn’t know when I began it that something else would go wrong while we were in the Sunshine State – something much more serious. My Mom took a turn for the worse on the second day we were there. I don’t blame Florida for this. I decided to keep this piece light. Learning that the end was near for Mom and debating whether to return home immediately or stay for the few days we had planned will be a topic for another essay at another time.

  • Eulogy for Mom

    Note: I have written a great deal about my mom and posted some of her essays on this blog. She was an avid reader, supporter and contributor to this effort. After putting up a long fight for life, she passed away on Tuesday, February 27, 2024 in Freehold, New Jersey. Though we are broken hearted, we are relieved that she is no longer suffering. Here is the eulogy that I offered at her funeral service.

    First, I must say thank  you, Mom. I was not the easiest child to parent, more specifically to mother. I was sensitive, self-conscious and insecure. I was not blessed with the innate optimism that Mom had. Mom had her work cut out for her – something I did not fully appreciate until I became a mother myself. I would like to share two stories of her successes.

    I had a truly terrible teacher in 6th grade – and in those days in NYC you had one teacher for virtually all the subjects. It made for a long, unhappy day. My best friend and I decided we had had enough and planned to play hooky. And, we did. Her apartment was empty during the day and we had a fine time. Some kids might look for trouble – we baked cupcakes, had a food fight and watched TV. Her older sister came home early and found us. I was afraid my parents would find out so I fessed up to Mom when she got home from work. She didn’t get angry, she didn’t punish me. She told me if I ever got so distressed to the point that I needed a break, to tell her and she would let me stay home. I never did take her up on that – the idea that I could was enough of a comfort. I knew she trusted and supported me.

    The other story was again in the midst of a trying time in August of 1975. I had cut short working at a summer camp because I was not comfortable with the drug use and partying that surrounded me there. My parents welcomed me home. Aside from that, my grandmother, my father’s mom, was seriously ill in the hospital. One night I couldn’t sleep, my heart racing, I woke Mom. She comforted me as best she could – reminding me of the positive things in our lives and she suggested that we plan a sweet sixteen for me. Mom always believed in making the best of bad times. I was nervous at the prospect of a party– would friends come? She planned one of the all-time great parties. It was a mystery bus ride – my friends tried to guess where we were going. We went to see The Fantasticks off Broadway in Greenwich Village, we had fried chicken dinners on the bus, and returned home to make our own sundaes. I had a sign in book where my friends and family wrote kind and loving messages – I still have that book – I still read that book. It was a revelation to me – a little like Sally Field when she cried, “you like me, you really like me!” when she won the Oscar. Mom, you did good.

    Mom wasn’t perfect and she knew that – she could be very hard on herself. I think I knew her in a slightly different way than my brothers – maybe being her daughter she more readily shared other parts of herself, the less optimistic side. But one of her great messages was that we should always be learning and striving to be better. That we could improve ourselves. She believed that until her dying day. That may have been the greatest gift she gave me – the belief that we can grow and evolve if we are open to it, if we work at it.

    I am so grateful to Mom. Many of you know I write a blog and I share stories on it that are sometimes painful and, in some cases, may have been difficult for Mom to read. But she only encouraged me. She read what I wrote. She loved it. She appreciated my honesty. Another gift.

    So, Mom, you were a wonderful human being and you raised three good human beings – is there a better legacy? I think not. We will continue to pay it forward. We love you and will miss you terribly, but you have earned your rest. I hope your spirit is reunited with all those you loved so much. Rest in peace and love, Mom.

    Mom on her 80th birthday

  • A Visit With Mom

    I walked into Mom’s room and knew immediately that it was a good morning. Despite her pale color, Mom’s eyes were open and clear, and she smiled broadly at me. “Good morning, Linda!” she greeted me with enthusiasm from her bed. She knew it was morning, knew who I was and was happy to see me. That is not the reception I always get. Thankfully she reliably knows who I am, her daughter, but more often she can barely keep her eyes open, and her speech is slurred – a product of the various illnesses, including dementia, she is living with.

    The unpredictability of her condition confuses me. I wish I understood it better. I try to emotionally prepare myself for whatever the visit will bring, but it is hard. The variability also makes it difficult to decide what to do about her care. Do we continue to aggressively preserve her life, or do we begin to let her go? I believe Mom’s life at this point is largely sustained by the medications she takes – a high dose of diuretic, as well as heart and blood pressure medications. On the visits that she is foggy and lethargic, spending most of her time sleeping, I wonder if we are doing her any favors. Although she will never fully be herself, on mornings when she is alert, when she is more connected and engaged, then all the medicine and effort make sense.

    On this day Mom’s lucidity is a double-edged sword. We enjoy conversation about our family. She is entertained when I read a chapter from Mel Brooks’ autobiography. She listens avidly to his experiences during World War II, which bring back her own memories. But, on the flipside, she is painfully aware of her limitations. She ruefully tells me that she can’t buy the little things she likes to have for her grandchildren and great-grandchildren when they visit because she can no longer go out to shop. She shows deep frustration when she has difficulty getting up and walking to the bathroom. The effort leaves her breathless. It is a titanic struggle to get out of bed (despite having a hospital bed): to sit up, shift weight to her legs and shuffle the few steps to the toilet takes major exertion. And that is even with the assistance of her aide. Given that she is on a diuretic, the need to go is frequent. When Mom returns to bed she is clearly dismayed by her dependence on others and her inability to be in control of her bodily functions.

    As the day wears on, Mom gets more confused. The energy and alertness of the morning give way to weariness and confusion. “Maybe they will send me home tomorrow,” she says to me. “Mom, you are home.” “I am?” She thinks she is in the hospital. She is in the same apartment she has been in for the last six years.

    I point to the pictures that adorn the room. I show her the table that sits in the dining area just outside the doorway to her bedroom. She nods but then goes on to tell me about how when she was in the Air Force hospital in Texas after giving birth to Steven, they were in a barracks style room. They had to line up to use the bathroom and, “what did I do?” she asks me. “I don’t know.” “I fainted.” She goes on to tell me a convoluted story about them forcing her to get up, but then they put her to bed, and she heard her Aunt Bess in the hall loudly arguing that the nurse should take better care of her. “She made sure I had a silver pitcher, it wasn’t real silver, it was probably silver-colored but that’s not the point, with cold water. Aunt Bess was something.” She was rambling a bit, I thought maybe she was conflating several different experiences. It didn’t matter – I just listened. Then she said again that maybe she would get out of the hospital soon. This time I didn’t try to correct her.

    I was getting ready to end my visit. We had talked about the weather forecast, which called for a snowstorm. I told Mom that I wanted to get on the road before the weather turned. She agreed and told me if the roads were bad not to come back to visit the next day. “It isn’t worth taking the chance.” “Thanks, Ma. I’ll stay safe.”

    I had no intention of coming back the next day and earlier in the day she knew that. I was going to my apartment in the city to wait out the storm and then drive the rest of the way home to Albany. Mom knows that my house in Albany is a 3.5 hour drive away from her – well, usually she knows that. Depends on the moment.

    I walked out to my car reflecting on the visit.

    I know what I would want for myself. I firmly and passionately believe that I would not want to live the way Mom is living. I would prefer to stop the life-sustaining medications, take morphine or whatever would allow me to be comfortable while my heart and breathing ebbed, and say my goodbyes. Let nature take its course. Mom’s doctor has said that it is a legitimate, ethical decision – to stop Mom’s diuretic and other meds, make her comfortable and let her go. Though we have made the transition to hospice care, we have not discontinued those essential medications.

    Mom is DNR and that decision was made with her full knowledge and consent – she was quite capable of understanding what it meant when we did the paperwork many months ago. I am her health care proxy, but we did not discuss this current scenario. I can’t in all honesty say I know what she would want. If I did it would make this much easier. I comfort myself with the thought that she does not appear to be in pain. Her activities are severely limited, her ability to engage in conversation is variable, her energy is negligible, everything is an effort…is she taking pleasure in her existence? Sometimes, but at best it is a small portion of the day. What is the right thing to do?

    So I confer with my brothers and we decide to stay the course…for now.

    There are only two things I know. I don’t want this for myself. And, there is no objectively right thing to do. No matter how much I rack my brain, or gut, clarity does not emerge. I need to make peace with the path we are taking and stop ruminating. One way or another, it will resolve itself in time.

    In better days: Mom two years ago on the patio of her apartment

    Note: I wrote this painful post because writing it helped me process my thoughts. Instead of having a jumble of emotions and images, I understand myself better. I share it because I imagine others may have gone through, are going through or will go through this journey. I think it is important that we talk about end of life choices. Perhaps it will spur conversation in your family.

  • A Tourist in My Hometown

    Last week was difficult. My mom’s health has continued to deteriorate, and it has presented challenges to get her needs met. Suffice it to say that elder care in this country is imperfect – and that is a generous assessment. We are a family with resources but even with that, it can be hard (perhaps impossible) to find services that match her needs. I feel for folks who don’t have the financial wherewithal or time or knowledge to navigate this terrain. And that doesn’t even touch on the emotional toll all of this takes and the baggage we may be bringing to our decision-making. So, Saturday night, when I could finally breathe, I realized that I had Sunday to myself before diving back in to Mom’s care. And it was supposed to be a sunny day! Not warm exactly, but warm enough. I decided I could be a tourist in my hometown – New York City.

    When I was old enough to go from Brooklyn to Manhattan by myself or with a friend, I loved exploring. They used to have city buses that ran ‘culture loops.’ It was an inexpensive way to see the sights. I went to museums, I visited landmarks, I window shopped. I especially enjoyed observation decks – I went to the top of the Empire State Building and the World Trade Center multiple times – they weren’t that expensive back in the day. I loved walking the avenues and side streets, finding interesting buildings and people-watching.

    I thought about how I might spend my Sunday. I had read about a new observation deck, The Summit. It is next to Grand Central at One Vanderbilt and stretches upward for 93 floors. The observation area is comprised of three floors and includes an art installation or two. Decision made. I would check this out. I bought a ticket online. It was not cheap.

    Before starting my day of touring, I accompanied Gary to the Amtrak Station. Though I had taken the train from Albany several times since the new Moynihan Hall opened, I had not seen it. Somehow when I exited the train in Penn Station and made my way to the subway, I missed the new part. So, this first stop revealed a new sight – a vast improvement from the old, dingy station I was accustomed to. I said goodbye to Gary, he was heading home to go to work on Monday. I would have enjoyed having him join me on my adventure, but there are advantages to not having to worry about anyone else’s preferences.

    I exited the station and started walking east and north. I was reminded again that New York City is beautiful. Yes, it can be dirty and gritty, but the parts I traversed were not. The architecture can be so interesting. You also find hidden gems, like this in front of the Polish Consulate on Madison and East 37th Street.

    I am also often struck by how the sunlight makes its way through the caverns created by the buildings and casts shadows. The sun was brilliant, and the air was crisp and clear.

    My ticket was for 12:00. When I arrived at One Vanderbilt there was quite a long line for the noon entry. I should have anticipated that it would be crowded – it was the weekend and it is New York! Somehow, I had forgotten about that. They had it well organized, with sufficient staff shepherding us through the process – the line snaked around kind of like it does at Disney World. We had to go through security, too. They issued booties – a good portion of the floors up top are mirrored and they don’t want them to get scuffed. You aren’t allowed to wear stilettos – not a worry for me since I’ve never worn a pair in my life! They also provided sunglasses, they warned that it was quite bright up there, but I had my own. It took a while to get through the whole process and I wondered if it was going to be worth it.

    The final hallway before the elevator is darkened and there’s dramatic music playing. I guess they are trying to play up the excitement. I could imagine it being a bit scary for young ones. They also warn you if you are sensitive to flashing lights or loud noises that you should tell the staff.

    Finally, I got on the elevator and we flew up to the 91st floor.

    It was worth the wait. The views are stunning. The mirrored walls and floors create a wild, pixelated scene.

    Though it was likely designed for the Tik Tok generation, I loved it. There were young folks making the most of it, creating what I am sure were super cool selfies or portraits of partners or friends, but I was surprised to find that it didn’t annoy me. It was interesting. I was mostly focused on taking in the vistas and people were considerate. They took their pictures but kept moving so you could get to the windows. Since the air was so clear you could see across Brooklyn, Queens, New Jersey, Westchester. You get a full appreciation for New York Harbor and the waterways that flow from it. All I can say is wow!

    The art installations were cool, too. One room had mirrored balloons floating around. This was designed by Marie Kusawa and I enjoy her work – so whimsical and fun.

    Naturally there were opportunities to spend more money – but you don’t have to buy anything in the gift shop or the café (there is also an open air terrace where you could bring the drink purchased at the cafe). You don’t have to buy the photos they take. But, there is no denying that it can get expensive. The base price, just to take the elevator and walk through the three floors of observation areas and installations is $42 for an adult. It was worth it to me.

    There is a glass ledge you can step out on – they take a picture of you there. I bought this one. I tried to take my own photo, didn’t come out nearly as good.

    It was a great day. Accomplished just what I needed it to. Now I will get back to the real world.

  • Money, Money, Money

    Money can be a great thing. Not a surprising a statement. This notion was reinforced by the tour we took of Olana, home of Frederick Church, one of the significant painters of the Hudson River School. Church was born into a monied family. He may have disappointed his father when he announced his plan to be an artist as a teenager, but he had the luxury of making that choice. He was able to pursue and fulfill his dream. He wasn’t under pressure to make money; he could take his family on an 18-month trip to Europe and the Middle East without worrying about where his next dollar was coming from. He could come back inspired by all he had seen, buying knick-knacks and artwork, and full of ideas for building his own home in Hudson, New York. Olana was born at least in part from that trip and thanks to his vision we can enjoy his property today.

    Olana, we learned, didn’t just refer to the building – which was the family home; it referred to the whole property including the acres of land surrounding it. Church viewed the whole thing, the land and his home, as a unified piece of art. Church would buy parcels as they came up for sale in order to preserve the views he found so inspiring. Here are two views from our walk of the property:

    He painted many landscapes of the Catskills and Hudson River from here. When Church arrived in the area, the land had been clear cut of trees. The property was barren. He wanted to restore its natural habitat. It was the fashion of the time to plant exotic trees and plants, bringing home flora from Europe and the Middle East, but Church didn’t adopt that approach. He used native trees, and he purposely left open spaces to frame vistas. He took an artist’s approach to the project, specifying where the plantings should end so he could have a pleasing view of the mountains, rivers and farms that surrounded his property. We are fortunate that Church was a visionary. He left us a magnificent place to explore and appreciate the beauty that Is the Hudson Valley.

    While we were walking the land, our guide pointed out a small cement factory that we could see in the distance. A number of years ago there had been a proposal to build another factory that would have included a 40-story smokestack. The idea was moving ahead until some in the area got wind of it and objected. Ultimately, the plan was defeated. The guide believed that if the plan had gone ahead, it would have ruined Olana. I wondered if that was the case. A view would have certainly been diminished but did that mean that Olana could no longer be a place people would want to visit and hike? Would it literally have ruined Olana? Certainly if the emissions from the smokestack were noxious, it would have. The question is moot since the State rejected the proposal.

    After the last of the heirs of Church died, the land and house became a New York State Park. I am in favor of preserving wild spaces, especially for public use. But there is a balance. Economic development is also important. People need to make a living. Many towns in the Catskills have struggled and lost population. Our guide explained that Olana itself is not an insignificant employer in the region. It is a dilemma faced all over the country – the tension between development and preservation; these tensions are regularly encountered in the Adirondacks. I don’t reflexively reject development. I want to understand the implications, the costs and benefits, before coming to a conclusion. Unfortunately, it can be hard to come by good information on that. I think many of us have a knee jerk reaction to these issues. We can be predisposed to believe that any encroachment on nature is a negative thing (especially when it involves our own property or neighborhood), or we may automatically support anything that promises more jobs and tax revenue. Neither of those reactions are useful in effective policymaking.

    As we finished our walk of the property, the guide asked us what we thought of the house – meaning the design of the structure. All of us on the tour liked it but saw different things in it. Some were reminded of an Italian palazzo; others saw Middle Eastern touches. It is something of a mish-mosh.

    Money does give you options that most of us don’t have. Church found folks who were willing and able to fulfill his vision.

    Money can also make people crazy. It can be a trap. Frederick Church enjoyed his largesse. He connected with many of the accomplished people of his day. Prominent people from New York City visited him at Olana. Other folks in that circle were not so fortunate. We learned on the tour of the Wittgenstein family of Vienna, the patriarch was a contemporary of Church, and one of the richest families in the world. Several members of that family committed suicide and the one remaining son gave all the money away. Money does not buy happiness. We can forget that when we are in the midst of challenging times. When we are barely making ends meet, or the ends aren’t meeting, it is understandable to think that having more money would solve all our problems. There is no doubt that money can help with a myriad of issues, but it doesn’t solve loneliness, or bad decision-making. Apparently, Frederick Church did not struggle with those issues and he left us a legacy we can enjoy.

  • A Poignant Celebration

    “There was a lot of warmth in that room,” Gary said to me as we left a celebration in honor of his uncle Sol’s 100th birthday. I readily agreed.

    It was an interesting gathering. If one reaches that auspicious age, it is almost certain that you have outlived your spouse (possibly spouses), siblings and most, if not all, friends. This is true of Sol. So it can be bittersweet to plan a party.  Who do you invite? Sol’s son, Ben, faced this question.

    Sol is a Holocaust survivor, like Gary’s parents. I have written a great deal about Gary’s parents, David and Paula and their remarkable story. I don’t know the details of Sol’s experience. Sol married David’s sister, Batya, in America. The two couples were part of a tight knit survivor community. There were about five or six families that socialized regularly, centered in Rosedale, Queens. Their children grew up together.

    Gary told me stories about those years – how the mixture of family and friends would gather at his house most weekends – the kids playing various games while the adults chatted (and maybe argued, especially about politics). How they went to the Pennsylvania Dutch country with the Majewskis, who lived down the block, and how the Majewskis had all the coolest toys – they often hung out at their house. As often happens with college and adulthood, the kids went their separate ways, maintaining only occasional contact.

    I didn’t know what to expect when we arrived at the party. I wondered who would be there. Ben and Rochelle, Sol’s step-daughter, set up displays of photographs of Sol that captured his life over the many years. We studied the pictures, looking at the young faces. When we sat down at a large rectangular table that sat the 25 guests, Ben welcomed everyone and explained that when he thought about who his father would want to share this momentous milestone with, he thought of that core group of survivors. Since the original members have passed on, Ben reached out to the second generation to gather to celebrate Sol, the one who remains. They all represented the heart of Sol’s life.

    Sol lives in Florida. When we go to visit Gary’s Mom, we see Sol as well. Until about a year ago, he was in remarkable shape. It is only these last months that there are signs of his age, his short-term memory is starting to fail, and his strength is waning. When Ben extended the invitation to us, after briefly discussing it, we realized it was a milestone that should be recognized so we would both attend. After all, as several observed at the party, it was an opportunity to gather for a happy occasion, not a funeral which is more often the impetus for second and third generation survivors to gather.

    I do not know the details of Sol’s journey, I don’t believe he participated in Steven Spielberg’s Shoah project, so there is no testimony to watch, as I have watched my in-laws’ videos. Based on the research our niece Laura did as part of writing her book, The Shoemaker’s Son, I do know that Sol suffered horribly. One of the factors that made his situation even more challenging is that his family was poor to begin with. The Nazis did not differentiate between rich Jews and poor Jews, but having some resources to bribe or trade could buy time when one was on the run, hiding in the woods. Sol bears the scars of his painful experiences. I believe he and his brother were the sole survivors from his family. Once he got to America, he had a successful business as a glazier, but the memories of deprivation were never far from his thoughts. His tightness with money is legendary in the family.

    Several of the attendees made remarks, sharing memories of Sol, honoring his tenacity, and his love of family and friends. Jokes were told. Some of the speakers managed a great imitation of Sol’s accent – an echo of their own parents’ accents of blessed memory.

    Sol sat at the head of the table. He enjoyed himself. He made his own remarks: he thanked everyone for coming and expressed his love for all. He told us that this was likely his last birthday. Everyone pooh-poohed that and Ben pointed out that he has been saying that for the last 40 years, so he took that as a good sign. Of course, no one knows what tomorrow will bring for any of us.

    Gary was moved to be in the presence of that group – the familiar sounds of the voices of the past, the warmth of the connections, the strength of the bond that links them – even if they haven’t kept in close touch. Not only were they honoring Sol, but they were acknowledging the legacy of the survivors who were no longer physically present – though they are kept alive in their collective memory. Despite the fact that I don’t share their history, I was happy to be part of the poignant celebration.

    Sol Feder, with his remarkable head of white hair, surrounded by family and friends

  • Conundrums

    I was listening to the local NPR station the other day. First there was a story about NYC suing bus companies which have been ferrying immigrants from Texas to the city. I wondered about the wisdom of that suit. Are the bus companies at fault? Clearly, the city is desperate to get a handle on the immigration “crisis”? Note: I am putting quotes around crisis because I am skeptical about the word in this context. It has been called a crisis for decades.

    Following that story there was another report on a bill proposed by two lawmakers in New York State to appoint a commission to study the continued loss of population by the state. The latest census figures showed New York as one of the biggest losers of population in the country. This is a concern on many levels – mostly for the state’s economy and future vibrancy.

    Does anyone else see an irony in airing these stories back-to-back?

    Maybe immigrants could address the problem of the population loss? Maybe they could invigorate communities that are struggling?

    I am not naïve. I understand that uncontrolled immigration is problematic. I believe that there are security concerns posed by folks streaming in through unregulated borders. We need to be able to have an organized process for admitting people into the country – so they are registered and authorized to work, drive, pay taxes, etc. I also understand that some of the people arriving come without resources or education and therefore have real needs. They may not be in a position to the hit the ground running, so to speak, and be immediately contributing members of our society. By the same token, we have many demands as a society: for elder care, child care, agricultural workers, etc., etc., which immigrants may be able to fill. I am not talking about taking advantage of those immigrants – I am talking about meaningful employment that allows them to establish lives and plant roots.

    It seems to me that some creative problem-solving could address this challenge if we stripped away the fear-mongering and xenophobia. [And if we demanded that the ultra-rich paid their fair share of taxes.]

    That’s just one of many perplexing conundrums I have been noticing.

    The resignation of Claudine Gay as president of Harvard is another puzzle. Some folks believe she should have resigned after her miserable performance at the congressional hearing where she was asked about antisemitism on campus. Whether she was over-prepped by lawyers or genuinely unable to acknowledge the need to offer protection to Jewish students due to her own bias, she was certainly tone-deaf. Then the revelations about plagiarism came out. Depending on what you read, those instances are either minor oversights or significant breaches of standards of scholarship.

    According to Gay’s statement, it sounds like she believes she has been subjected to a relentless racist campaign that resulted in the need for her to step down. From her perspective, resigning was about putting an end to the harassment and allowing Harvard to move forward, rather than admitting to any substantive wrongdoing.

    I am frustrated by this. I want there to be clarity. Her resignation should either be an appropriate result of her academic impropriety or her inability to successfully manage the institution, or both, but not because she was unjustly run out of town. I don’t doubt she has been subjected to racist vitriol – those ugly voices are very loud. But, I want an objective assessment of her scholarship. I want to better understand how she responded to the complaints of Jewish students who felt unsafe. Is it even possible in this day and age to assess these things impartially. Whose judgement can we trust?

    I believe that higher ed needs diverse representation. I believe in the goals of DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion). How those programs are implemented is where the challenge lies. I believe there are deserving candidates – persons of color and individuals from historically marginalized communities – who are qualified to be university presidents. It feels like we are in an impossible position. Can someone who is white be appointed without everyone complaining about ‘privilege’? Can someone who is Black be appointed without arousing suspicion about their qualifications? There is no trust – and therein lies the conundrum. How do we rebuild it – if it ever existed to begin with? There are so many voices of cynicism that they can drown out the hope if we let them.

    That lack of trust is the common thread between these two scenarios. We don’t trust our institutions and we don’t trust ‘others,’ people not of our tribe. That has to change.

    I have written this many times before, here it is again: I will hold on to hope that we can find creative solutions to these conundrums and that we can find a way to trust our institutions (not blindly, but with proper checks and balances). We must find common ground and let go of prejudice. We have to find a way to build a foundation of trust. I will be listening for voices who can lead us in that direction.

  • Goals for 2024

    Sargent portrait – seen at the exhibit at Boston’s Museum of Fine Arts

    Historically I am not one to set goals or make resolutions. I think that reluctance stems from the recognition that we mostly fall short and then have to deal with the failure. The other day I was watching, of all things, House Hunters and this guy in the couple made a point of needing to be able to post his annual goals on his bathroom mirror. This was something his wife didn’t especially want to see every day, so they wanted their new home to have separate vanities in the bathroom. I thought the guy was way over the top, but it got me thinking. While goal setting presents risks, it offers real opportunities: to prioritize how I use my time, to remind myself of what is important to me, to feel accomplished when something is achieved. Of course, I don’t need to share them publicly since that adds pressure, but what the heck. What is my blog for if not to take some risks, so here goes:

    Read Moby Dick.

                [No other story is referenced as often in other books.

                 It appears on lists of the best American novel.

                And yet, somehow, I never read it.

                I think it is time.]

    Write everyday – or realistically almost every day.

                [I only posted 29 essays on my blog in 2023.

                 My goal has been weekly.

                 Perhaps it is time to reconsider my goal.

                 Okay, my goal for 2024 is to reassess how often I want to add to my blog.]

    Send out 10 query letters to literary agents.

                [probably more]

    Accept rejection and continue onward.

    Stop wanting more!

                [I have enough.

                Be more Zen,

                Let go of expectations.

                Exhale the want.

                Inhale the beauty,

                Appreciate the gifts,

                Even on cold, damp, gray days.

                Hear the music: bird calls, the wind in the trees, voices harmonizing.

                See the splendor: light, color, richness rendered on a Sargent canvas.

                Receive what is given,

                Feel the love expressed in a glance, in a gesture.

                Let it fill me.

                Trust the love.

                Trust the relationships.

                The child in me still wants…]

    Plan a trip.

    Sort through the clutter.

                [Simplify]

    Gary, my husband, upon reading the above, said, “Good luck with that. I thought reading Moby Dick was enough.” Maybe it is ambitious, but I’m going to try. Let’s check back in a few months, meanwhile, Happy New Year! Wishing you all a peaceful, joyful, and healthy year ahead whether or not you set goals or make resolutions.